The Tough Stuff: How To Build a Conscience for Modesty

Have you ever looked back at photos of yourself and think “I can’t believe I wore that!?” or have you ever gotten home at the end of a long day and realized that your camisole was too low when you bent over or you realize that you literally fidgeted with your skirt all day while you sat at your desk trying to make it cover your thighs entirely?

Me too.

Although I was raised in a home that enforced modesty, it’s not something that came instantly to me. Of course, that background was a TREMENDOUS help, but like all things in life, you have the free will to choose your own path and standards of modesty. You have to come to a conclusion on what’s modest and what’s not by yourself. You may not even realize you are making these decisions, but you do, each day.

There was a time in my life where I threw modesty out the window. I remember vividly, times I was dressed immodestly, and would see a girl on campus that looked SO CUTE and think to myself “Wow, she is dressed so cute and is modest!”. Things like that were still burned in the back of my brain. Hard-wired. And yet, I still made poor choices about what I was wearing.

I’ve had a lot of “light bulb” moments over that last 10 or so years. Things that I once considered to be acceptable, I now look back and realize that they are just too close to the line. And for me, that means it’s immodest. (examples: leggings worn as pants, cold shoulder tops, nude lined lace covered dresses)

I’m not perfect, and I don’t mean for this to come off sounding like I think I am, but I’ve worked on this. And this blog has forced me to be honest with myself, even when it’s hard.

I just hope that sharing my journey to where I am now can help even just one person examine their wardrobe choices and maybe make some changes if necessary. I truly believe that there is a confidence unlike any other that shines through when a woman is covering herself modestly, but wearing the biggest smile, showcasing her true happiness.

So- how do we build a conscience for modesty. How do we hard-wire our brains to know when something is too short, too low or revealing, too suggestive?

1. Prayer. I truly believe that someone who wants to find truth will find it. God’s providence is a mysterious thing, but there are so many things in my life that I look back on and am thankful that I had time and opportunity to correct, and maybe just maybe, the hardship that made me realize I needed change, was put there for a reason. I’m not saying this blog post is God’s providence, I’m just saying, let yourself be honest with yourself- does that make sense?
2. Study. The world (now more than ever) is telling you to wear the short shorts, and rock the swimsuit. The body positivity movement has completely taken the fashion industry by storm, and is telling us that showing skin = confidence and beauty. But truly, biblical modesty standards tell us the opposite! That we should be humbly adorned, and that our beauty will shine through our actions. It doesn’t mean we can’t feel good in our own skin, but we shouldn’t need to show everything off to feel so!
   
3. Asking for help (an accountability partner). Whether this is a spouse, a parent, or an older sibling, having someone you trust check your outfit before you leave the house is such a WISE thing. You have to train your brain not to argue though. If they say what you don’t want to hear, let it be a lesson learned, and don’t hold a grudge against them for telling you what you asked them to.
   • When I was living at home, I had a built in, un-asked-for accountability partner in my mom (LOL). Looking back, I’m oh so thankful for that, and oh so sorrowful for all the times I argued back and let something she said OUT OF LOVE ruin my day. Girls, train your conscience to not get offended when someone that loves you is trying to genuinely help you, even if it’s not something you thought you wanted or needed help with- modesty included!
   • I recently asked my husband if I looked okay before bible study one Wednesday evening. I was wearing a sleeveless maxi dress and had put on a black t-shirt over top and knotted the shirt under my bust, above my pregnant belly. To my surprise, he said, “I don’t think you should knot it. It would look better and not draw so much attention up top“. Something I hadn’t even thought of. Even though I’m pregnant and may not feel like I’m dressing suggestively or drawing attention to the wrong spots, I could be- you can’t read people’s minds! It’s my responsibility to do my part in not causing other’s to stumble.
4. If you don’t have a modesty hack for it, don’t buy it. Over the years I’ve learned to look at an outfit and try to see how I could make it meet my modesty standards if it doesn’t already. I’ve learned what’s worth trying to make modest and what ends up being a hassle that doesn’t last in my wardrobe past one wear. Really I’ve learned by trial and error.
   • I’ve come to the conclusion that if it can’t be made modest with just one hack, say, a halftee to cover up a low neckline, or a long tunic top to cover up a pair of pants that are too tight, it’s not really worth my time.
   • If you buy something without knowing how you’ll make it modest, you probably won’t try very hard to do so- this can lead you down a slippery slope of apathy when it comes to your modesty standards.
5. Set modesty boundaries. This takes some training and sometimes re-programming of the brain. But it’s possible- trust me! Tight pants never used to bother me. But when I was finally, truly honest with myself about how revealing they were, I made it my mission to stop wearing them. Now, when I’m in a dressing room and the pants start getting snug around my hips, I don’t even try to pull them up the rest of the way. In “skinny” style jeans, I’ve trained myself to go 2 sizes up (and sometimes that still doesn’t fit within my boundaries!)
6. Judge yourself. This might sound weird, but read the below situations. If you ask yourself these questions every time you shop or even get dressed and answer ‘no’ to even just one, a red flag should go up! This is a major step towards avoiding hypocrisy. We have to start with ourselves!
   • If my best friend was wearing this, would I think it was okay, or would I feel discouraged?
   • If my least favorite person was wearing this, would I think it was okay or would I be annoyed?
   • If my significant other were with me and we walked past a random girl wearing this, would I think it was okay, or would I be frustrated and think that she was drawing attention to herself in an inappropriate way?
   • If Jesus was in the room with me, would HE think it was okay?

While enforcing modesty standards and boundaries on yourself is not always easy, I promise, it’s worth it. No more looking back at photos and being embarrassed of something you wore. No more feeling shame or regret for the way you presented yourself in public. We can be confident in our modesty and still look totally cute!

I’m proud of you, no matter what stage you’re in. We’re human and we make mistakes, but we can learn from them and move forward.

I hope this has been encouraging and enlightening. I hope you’ll strive to dress your best in a modest way, seeking to please God. And if you have any questions or would like discuss this further privately, feel free to email me from the contact page!

Thanks so much for reading. I’d love to hear your tips on building a conscience for modesty in the comments below.

XOXO ~ Taylor